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Bad Boys and GirlsAnimal FilesHypolitics 2008
07
Jan

Oprah’s Trainer Knows the Secret to Maintaining Weight Loss (News to Oprah)

Man, if I were Oprah, I think I’d fire this hack.

Her personal trainer Bob Greene wrote a column for CNN.com entitled “How Not To Gain It All Back.” You’d think that with the kind of money Oprah surely pays him, he would have shared some of this wisdom with her before she regained 40 pounds.

Some of his advice (notice how he lets himself off the hook and never suggests “lifestyle change”):

Recently, in fact, experts have started comparing the struggle to slim down with the difficulty of breaking an addictive habit. Research suggests that it often takes a number of attempts before people are able to kick cigarettes or give up alcohol for good; this might also be true for weight loss.

So here’s the good news: Instead of thinking, “I’ve failed over and over again, why bother trying again?” take your relapse in stride and stay positive no matter how many attempts it takes you. Each new effort brings you closer to the one that might really work. The key is to stick with it until you achieve your weight and health goals — that’s my definition of a true success story.

Just another guy with no credentials getting rich off his Oprah connections. Sound like anyone else?

07
Jan

Lily Allen Continues to Talk Trash, Take Drugs, Not Make Music

Ugh, Lily Allen is a true piece of work. Of all the attention whores in all the world, she actually seems to be vying for the top slot.

The British poptart has had a long-standing competition going with Amy Winehouse, who for her part hasn’t seemed all too interested in feuding. First, in 2007, Lily mocked Amy Winehouse’s famous addiction problems by raising a shot of Jagermeister onstage at a music festival and toasting: “It’s the end of the weekend, you have got to have a drink. Here’s to Amy Winehouse… ha!”

Then she developed a raging drug and alcohol problem of her own. Oops. In August:

“I’m not gonna say I’m never gonna do drugs again. I just know I’m not a good person on drugs.”

And the icing on the cake, today:

“The only story is that drugs are bad and they will kill you — you will become a prostitute, a rapist or a dealer. But that’s not true.

“I know lots of people who take cocaine three nights a week and get up and go to work.

“But we never hear that side of the story.

“I wish people wouldn’t sensationalise it.

“Some people are just bad at taking drugs.”

The other story that you hear about drugs is that they make you way more famous than you ought to be. Lily Allen has precisely one song that’s made any sort of splash in the U.S., and that was in 2006. Shape up, girlfriend. Winehouse has her problems but she also has her Grammys.

06
Jan

Gamers to PETA: “Ethical? You’re doing it wrong.”

UPDATE: PETA responds to the controversy in EDGE, saying that Fable II’s chicken-kicking “is done in a light-hearted manner. I don’t think anyone’s going to go out and start kicking chickens in their yard because of this game.” (Maybe no one will go vegetarian either.)

Wired notes today that People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals — did ya ever notice that the “e” for “ethical,” is the only lower-case letter in their Logo? — anyway, PETA has picked a Video Game of the Year.

It’s Fable II, which you XBOX maniacs already know well.

True, eating meat in this game makes you slovenly and portly, and chomping on vegetables makes you lean and quick.

But …. erm, … PETA? It’s a video game. There are no real vegetarians in it. It’s all (*whispered*) imaginary!

Last year Simon blogged about how Mothers Against Drunk Driving was all upset over Grand Theft Auto IV because the game’s characters could drive drunk:

“[W]hen you’re sitting at home pretending to drive drunk in a video game, you’re not out driving drunk. You probably haven’t even left the house for days. You are a menace to nobody but yourself.”

Same deal here.

Continue reading ‘Gamers to PETA: “Ethical? You’re doing it wrong.”’

06
Jan

Tom Cruise Is Done Talking About Scientology (in America)

When Tom Cruise told Matt Lauer last month that he was going to back off the Scientology rhetoric while promoting movies (such as the I’m-shocked-it-didn’t-bomb Valkyrie), we breathed a collective sigh of relief.

Lauer: How do you deal with [the press backlash] emotionally?

Cruise: I learned a really good lesson… I understand the spin of it. I’ve lived 25 years of this kind of stuff. Certainly things were also twisted and misrepresented. I just take responsibility for it… good lessons. I’m here to entertain people. Certain issues and things… have a time and a place and proper environment. When I’m promoting films… that’s what I want to talk about.

Lauer: It’s my understanding you decided don’t want to talk about Scientology any more.

Cruise: That’s actually not true. It’s something — I’ve been a Scientologist 25 years… I think there’s a time and a place for it. Things can get misunderstood and twisted. When people are tuning in to hear about my movie… that’s what I’m here to talk about. If I don’t talk about it, it’s like ‘why aren’t you talking about it?’ If I do talk about it, it’s like ‘you’re proselytizing.’ I’m here to entertain people.

It almost seemed like he’d developed a little self-awareness, doncha think? Turns out that only holds true for press junkets in America:

Actor Tom Cruise said Scientology teachings helped him overcome childhood dyslexia, a Spanish magazine reported.

Cruise was quoted by Spanish magazine XL Semanal as saying he was diagnosed with the learning disability when he was 7 years old.

Cruise said he was often anxious, frustrated and bored as a youth and couldn’t concentrate in class, the magazine reported on its Web site Sunday.

The magazine quoted Cruise as saying he was functionally illiterate when he graduated from school in 1980, but learned to read perfectly as an adult through Scientology technology.

What I wouldn’t give for a second Spanish Inquisition…

06
Jan

Norm Coleman is No Longer a Big Fan of Concession Speeches

UPDATE: Coleman sues.

It truly must be The End of Days. The United States Senate seems poised to seat a professional comedian. To go along with the dozens of other professional comedians who currently serve in the “august body.”

If you’re from Minnesota, I have to hand it to you. Say it with me: “Senator Al Franken.” It sure beats “Senator Garrison Keillor” or “Senator Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura.” Well played.

But even if you can’t stomach the idea of Stuart Smalley sitting on the Senate Armed Services Committee, you have to appreciate the delicious hypocrisy that Norm Coleman and his camp are now showing after the whole re-count fracas.

What a different two months can make!

November 5, 2008:

U.S. Sen.  Norm Coleman today gently suggested that Democrat Al Franken concede the U.S. Senate race to him, thereby beginning the healing process.

“The prospects of overcoming 725 votes is extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely remote,” said Coleman, speaking at his campaign office in St. Paul late morning.

“If you ask me what I would do, I would step back,” said Coleman …

“My hope is that we would begin the healing process today,” said Coleman of closing the political divides in the state and nation.

Coleman lawyer Tony Trimble at a January 5, 2008 press conference:

“The process is far from complete. There can be no confidence in the current results of the United States Senate recount. We will file a contest within the next 24 hours to prompty correct those problems and inaccuracies.”

And Trimble again, speaking yesterday to the Associated Press:

“This process isn’t at an end. It is now just at the beginning.”

Oh, goodie. It’s truly too bad Saturday Night Live is on hiatus.They could have brought Franken back to play himself, complete with the tasteless rape jokes from Playboy. I’m calling Bill Hader for Coleman.

Seriously, though. Pundits on both the Right and the Left are advising Coleman to give it up. If not for the chance to be Minnesota’s next Governor, then how about for the chance to avoid being written about on Deceiver? Or the chance to watch Al be Al for six years? If nothing else, maybe we’ll get to see Mick Jagger impersonations on the Senate floor.

05
Jan

People Who Should Be Shot? Definitely.

Remember that Saturday Night Live video kerfuffle from back in October? NBC yanked, and then edited, its online video of an SNL sketch about the U.S. government’s bailout of financial institutions.

Why? A predatory sub-prime lender named Herbert Sandler got his undies in a twist, because he and his wife were lampooned over a C-SPAN video subtitle reading “People who should be shot.”

Why the fuss? I mean, the sketch had already aired. Plus, it was funny. And just a few weeks earlier, SNL’s yuk-yuks included a character accusing Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin’s husband of having an incestuous relationship with their daughter. You didn’t see Todd Palin crying to his lawyers.

Sandler has been accused of pocketing $2.3 billion while Wachovia Bank collapsed, and for popularizing a Machiavellian mortgage-lending scheme called “Pick-a-Pay.” Sandler sold his World Savings Bank and its Pick-a-Pay loans to Wachovia. Homeowners started defaulting in droves. And the tens of billions in losses spelled the beginning of the end for Wachovia.

Here’s how the New York Times describes it:

Continue reading ‘People Who Should Be Shot? Definitely.’

05
Jan

Brad Pitt, Master of the Pringles Commercial

YouTube Preview Image

OK, so a couple of weeks ago, I gave you Brad Pitt’s quote where he was sniffing at commercials that air during children’s cartoons:

“The kids don’t ask for big gifts for the reason that they don’t see a lot of the American cartoon television, which is packed with all those manipulative commercials for big toys that look so fantastic.”

But then Seriously? OMG! WTF! went and made my day by digging up this freaking awesome Pringles ad from the early ’90s that — with all the surf boards and roller blades and boomboxes — is definitely aimed at getting youths to buy more chips in a can. Recognize those pectorals? If you’ve seen Fight Club, you should.

05
Jan

It’s March Madness, Only Funnier

Personally, we can’t decide which famous people have been making the hottest hypocritical messes of themselves. There are just too damned many candidates to choose from.

So help us out, would ya?

In about two months we’re going to be hosting a “March Madness” bracket-style poll. It’ll run during the same weeks as the NCAA basketball tourney, but votes — not hoops — will decide who moves on from one round to the next.

The “winning” celeb will get a framed certificate, which we expect will be promptly turned into some publicist’s kindling.

And every time you vote, you’ll be entered in a drawing for real prizes! Gift cards that you definitely want. Trust me.

So who’s the biggest Deceiver of them all? I dunno. You’re going to pick.

And the Selection Committee at Deceiver Central Command hasn’t even filled the bracket yet. So we’re accepting nominations. Leave ‘em in the comments — tell us who deserves to be in the field of 64, and why. And feel free to drop in a link to your favorite Deceiver stories from the past year.

If you’re wondering whether or not PETA will make it, I think it’s a safe bet. We may actually give PETA celebs their own bracket.

02
Jan

Jeremy Piven Seems to Be Recovering Nicely

Jeremy Piven isn’t going to let a little “mercury poisoning” (*cough*) stop him from banging models to the extent that he can. He is well known for his sleazy methods of picking up women — such as sending out mass text messages to girls he meets at parties and offering a prize (him for the night) to the first to respond.

But he recently started dating 23-year-old model Ashley Chontos, probably for her unfettered naivete when it comes to death by sushi.

Gatecrasher has the deets:

While Chontos may have been the playboy’s second choice (or third … or fourth … or fifth), she’s sticking by his side during the traumatic bout of mercury poisoning that forced him to bow out of Broadway’s “Speed-the-Plow.”

“Ashley was with Jeremy the night he first called in sick to the show,” one of her pals tells us. “He had a car pick her up at Broadway and 90th St. to take her to his apartment, where they spent the night before he left for the West Coast.”

As Piven is currently in Bangkok, undergoing treatments for his condition — and Chontos is in Miami, soaking up some sun — the two are engaging in a long-distance relationship via text messages. “Jeremy’s doctor recommended he go to Bangkok,” the insider says. “And Ashley decided to get a tan so she looks great for her ‘red carpet debut.’ She wants to get real dolled up, and has been discussing her outfit and jewelry practically every chance she gets.”

First of all, I wouldn’t trust Piven in Thailand as far as I could throw him. When he gets back I hope she insists he check himself into a good old Western medicine free clinic to clear up the inevitable rash. But second, if she’s preparing for a “red carpet debut,” that implies a full recovery is imminent, don’t you think? What a medical miracle!

02
Jan

Silly me. I thought George Wallace was dead.

UPDATE (January 6th): Roland Burris denied entry to the U.S. Senate, considers lawsuit

Whew. George Wallace is still deceased.

But I couldn’t come up with any other explanation for why leading Democrats in the U.S. Senate are planning to physically block Illinois Senator-designate Roland Burris from entering the Senate chamber if he shows up to work on Tuesday:

Burris will not be allowed on the Senate floor, according to this aide and a Senate Democratic leadership aide.

The aide familiar with Senate Democratic leaders’ plans said if Burris tries to enter the Senate chamber, the Senate doorkeeper will stop Burris. If Burris were to persist, either trying to force his way onto the Senate floor or refusing to leave and causing a scene, U.S. Capitol Police would stop him, said the aide.

“They (police) probably won’t arrest him” but they would call the sergeant-at-arms,” the aide said.

Burris is a black man. If he’s seated in the Senate, he’ll be the only African-American there. Does Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (pictured above) really want to go there?

Yes, I know Rod Blagojevich is a sleazeball. But he’s also legally the Governor of Illinois. It’s his job to appoint someone to take Barack Obama’s place in the Senate. And nobody with any juice in Illinois seems ready to take that power away from him.

Which leaves us with Senate Democrats looking very much like George Wallace, standing at a University of Alabama schoolhouse door, barring the way for the first black students to attend the de-segregated “white” school.

Just a few months after rallying “people of color” to the causes of Hope and Change, maybe this isn’t the most intellectually consistent thing for Democrats to be doing. I’m just saying.

p.s. George Wallace was also a Democrat. I had forgotten until just now.





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